Warp Speed Factor 15, GO!

Episodes 11 and 12: The Menagerie

2008-09-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

I’m fully aware of the fact that it’s been a few months since I last went on adventure on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. I feel like it would be a cop out to drop a list of excuses to dig my way out of avoiding my “responsibility,” but I’m going to do it anyway. I know exactly why I avoided writing about the next two episodes in the series: I did not want to watch “The Menagerie.”

Not only do these episodes cobble together clips from the discarded pilot, watching them feels like being locked in a chamber where time movies slower. I’m afraid that if I start watching “The Menagerie” again, I’ll walk out of my room and my family will be dead and everyone else will be living on Mars. Although, when you think about it, life in the future might not be but so bad—I bet there would be flying cars, or at least cool future pets like the House Giraffe or the Potbellied Cat. Still, my mother reads this blog and I don’t want her thinking that I would trade her in for a Safari animal that could fit under my desk, so we’ll go with this being a bad thing.

Now, “The Menagerie” has one of the most iconic and regularly referenced characters in the series:

Him again.

Captain Pike may suck, but when he finally decides to sacrifice his body to save some kids I guess he starts to become likable. I don’t see the appeal. I really just think it’s the beeping chair that people like. I mean it’s been in both “Futurama,” and “South Park.” You can’t argue with fan base like that.

To be honest, I watched these two episodes about a year ago, which didn’t help when it came to watching them again. So all summer I haven’t. I’ve done pretty much everything but watch “The Menagerie.” I’ve opted for episodes of “Top Gear,” “Space Ghost Coast 2 Coast,” “Spaced,” “Peep Show,” “The X-Files,” “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” “The Office,” and “Record of Lodoss War” over “The Menagerie.” Hell, yesterday I watched Star Trek Nemesis (we’ll get to my comments on that in a few years). After a while though, I’ve started to feel bad. I’ve been neglecting what I’ve set out to do. So, I buckled down and re-watched both episodes. Like they say: “Shit, or quit riding the goat.”

No wait, “Shit, or....” Whatever.

So here’s what I have to say about “The Menagerie:”

It’s Kirk and Spock watching an episode of “Star Trek.” They seriously sit down in front of a screen and watch the pilot episode supposedly being broadcast by the same telepaths from the pilot. It’s stupid. Fuck you.

Second thing: In the magical la la land of the Star Trek universe, with all of its wondrous technology and amazing medical advances, the best they could come up with for Captain Pike was a beeping wheelchair? Stephen Hawking can wax poetic about theoretical physics with his goddamn cheek, and all Pike gets is one beep for yes, two beeps for no. Go to Hell, “The Menagerie.”

There. I did it.

This is Star Trek

Ugh

UGH

Ahhh, that’s better.

On the next episode...

Roddenberry ditches the whole space idea and makes “Hamlet: The Series”

Episode 10: The Corbomite Maneuver

2008-06-16T23:43:00.001-07:00

Despite airing later in the season, episode 10 was the first episode to film with all of the regular characters in place. Production wise, this is Uhura and McCoy's first appearance, and also Sulu's first appearance as helmsman. It also marks the first and only appearance of this guy:

Durheeee

In this episode the Enterprise encounter a strange object floating through space that simply won't leave them alone. To make matters worse, it turns out the object on the screen is, in fact, a Windows 95 screen saver:

Terrified that their systems was working on a 200 year old operating system, Kirk and company blow it right the hell up. Suck on that, Bill Gates.

Unfortunately for them, and expectantly for us, another object that looks like a massive space disco ball appears to terrorize the crew. The ABBA ship locks the Enterprise into a tractor beam and the ship's captain, identifying himself as Balok, threatens to destroy the Enterprise in a big booming alien voice. Disco aliens tend to be touchy, apparently. Balok appears on the viewscreen as a wavy looking rubber alien remniscent of the Wizard, except with much less expression, movement, or any sign of life. Being compassionate, Balok decides to allow the crew ten minutes to pray to whatever deity they may or may not believe in before he blows the ship up while listening to Meco.

After Lieutenant Baily flips out and cries (it's okay Dave, I would cry too), we find out that Kirk is a big fan of World Poker Tour. He doesn't quite pull out the reflective glasses and cowboy hat, but he does bluff his way out of being dead by basically telling Balok that the Enterprise was rubber and that his ship was glue, and if they blow up his ship would too. I came up with that myself, I would make such a kickass Starfleet officer. In essence the episode should have been called "Captain Kirk has Balls the Size of Softballs," or at least "Kirk's Huge Balls Maneuver."

After being Balok bails and drags the Enterprise along with him, Kirk manages to break free by having the entire crew shake and run around the set as if the ship were moving. After breaking away, the Enterprise picks up a distress signal from Balok's ship claiming that his life support had depleted. Kirk then has his Star Trek Captain moment of sympathy when he orders an away team to transport onto the alien ship in order to save Balok. Kirk being Kirk, opts to go on the away team and chooses McCoy and Lieutenant Baily. Guess who isn't coming home?

When the away team transports aboard the untastefully decorated ship, they discover that the alien they were talking to before was just a puppet (Nooo.), and ten round the corner to discover...

God. Fucking. Damn it.

Of course it was a super-smart space baby. Of course it would be. Why wouldn't it be a super-smart space baby? Shit.

As the episode ended I started wonder what could have become of the kid who played Balok, thinking I would look it up on imdb later to find out that he was never in anything else, became addicted to coke, has three kids and lives in Tulsa but still shows up to the occasional convention to sign pictures of himself from when he was seven.

Wait a second, Clint Howard?! Ron Howard's brother? Get the fucking fuck out of here. Well I guess it's nice to see that Balok went on to have a career of being in his brother's movies as the weird looking guy. That and he was in Ice Cream Man.

And Silent Night Deadly Night 4.

This is Star Trek.
Kirk's work out on the wall Stair-master.

TECHNOLOGY

Gyee...
On the next episode...

Ohhh no. Nononononononono.

Episode 09: Dagger of the Mind

2008-06-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

It’s funny how things can connect in life.

When I was in high school my city had a program called Mayor Youth Day where teens from local schools got to follow around city officials for a day on the job. I knew people who got to sit in the city treasurer’s office, who rode around on the back of a fire truck, one girl even got to fire a police officer’s gun. But being generally unfortunate, none of my friends got to do anything even close to as exciting as sitting in a city treasurer’s office. My friend Michael received probably the worst position of the day; for that day, he acted as the assistant to the city’s planetarium director.

Michael being Michael, the boy actually felt somewhat excited by this so he donned his best bow-tie and took his 17 year old self to city hall, happily telling people that he would be tending to the school children coming to see him for the day. But I think that it had mostly to do with the fact that a then fairly recent episode of “South Park” covered what fun could be had on a trip to the planetarium.

In the episode, the boys visit the Tantalus V Observatory and meet Dr. Adams—a scientist with a rather bizarre bone disease that cripples his ability to pronounce the “T” in the word planetarium (Plane-arium). Once inside, the boys meet Dr. Adams’ peculiar assistants whose empty expression and robotic claims of “I love my work” immediately throw them off. When Dr. Adams turns on the machine, he shows the boys various constellations like The Big Dipper, Roger Ebert, and the two stars that depict the Crusades lulling the children into a bored stupor. Then Dr. Adams activates his machines and begins implanting thoughts into their minds insisting that they love the planetarium and thinking otherwise will cause them enormous pain.

Where am I going with this? Well, I basically just described “Dagger of the Mind” and this season 2 episode of South Park riffs on it down to Mr. Mackay performing a guidance counselor mind meld on one of the planetarium’s escaped assistants. Even the logo on Dr. Adams’ jacket matches the one in South Park. Bunch of nerds run that show I tell you.

Aside from being the influence for a South Park episode, “Dagger of the Mind” also manages to milk a more bombastic performance out of Dr. (NAME) than Shatner ever could. It would seem that NAME comes from the prestigious Clammy Skinned, Goofy Face Shouty School of Acting:

But watching this series just goes to show you how everything can just connect sometimes. Had it not been for Star Trek, then my friend Michael would have never enjoyed Mayor’s Youth Day that day. Then again, he may have anyway—the Chesapeake City Planetarium does have a life sized R2D2 in the lobby.

This is Star Trek.

That can't be regulation attire. It just can't. If she showed up to my high school wearing that she would be sent home for improper attire.

The Captain's Log is apparently a vintage 60s tape recorder.

One bit of technology they managed to predict: Text messaging!

He's Dead Jim:
1 Fried Security Guard
Dr. Adams' brain blanked out by his own machine

Total Star Trek Death Toll: 60
... and 5 Androids. I still am not sure if they count or not.

On the Next Episode...

The crew of the Enterprise can't get rid of their Windows screen saver.

Episode 07: What Are Little Girls Made Of?

2008-06-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

Now I know I’ve only seen seven episodes of Star Trek so far, and I don’t want to be pessimistic about the whole thing, but it seems that story ideas are already running just a little bit thin. But just stop me when this concept sounds familiar: An insane scientist creates a duplicate android Captain Kirk. Sound familiar? It should, because they used it two episodes ago.

Of course there’s enough elementary difference here to keep viewers on their toes, but Goddamn, do I really need another episode with Shatner acting with himself already? I wonder if he had it in his contract that he needed to act against himself at least twice every ten episodes. I also wonder if his contract stipulates that he will always have at least one romantic scene whenever there is a remotely attractive girl involved. I don’t remember anyone else getting this much action in Star Trek, but it seems that some strangely dressed alien tries to jump his bones at least once per episode.

In this case the lady in question is an android with what I would call a rather unfortunate fashion sense.

Meet Andrea. Since Andrea is an android she has no emotions, and apparently a complete lack of shame as well. Dr. Korby created Andrea and a handful of other androids while marooned in the caves of a remote ice planet, and feels that he’s solved this whole “mortality issue” that seems to plague us organic beings. The androids look flawlessly human (unless you shoot them, of course ), and in fact Kirk’s reaction to finding out that Andrea is a machine can only be read as “Can you… have sex with an android?” As it turns out, the answer is no.

The episode takes on the issue of whether or not a sentient machine can be considered alive, but is rather poorly handled when compared to something like 2001 or even the TNG episode "The Measure of a Man." Although, I will admit that those titles have significantly less skin and don’t have a scene as well crafted as the one where Kirk tries to convince Andrea that she has emotions by forcing himself on her, which ultimately just feels like a disturbing scene of molestation. Whatever gets the job done, I suppose.

The ingenious way in which Kirk foils the construction of his doppelganger works out beautifully in an odd sort of way. While strapped to the mad doctor’s wheelie-go-round-replicator-of-death, Kirk influences his clone’s mind by shouting insulting bigoted epithets about Spock—successfully creating a perfect clone that also happens to be a giant racist douchebag. So keep this scene in mind if you ever find yourself being replicated, and remember to think nasty racism thoughts about your best friend—unless of course you actually are a racist, it wouldn’t really work if that were the case.

The design of the caves in this episode is probably the best set design I’ve seen so far in this series, and it manages to accurately re-create the dark, yet mystical atmosphere given off by real caves. The designers capture this majesty by making every stalactite and stalagmite look like a giant, pink, throbbing penis. I don’t know about you, but apparently I’m not the only person that thinks caves are funny because penis shaped rocks are everywhere. I’m not just making this up, see for yourself:

Heh heh heh.

This is Star Trek:

whoawhoaWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA

*sigh*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

He’s Dead Jim:
2 Security guards killed in the caves
5 androids. Do.. wait do androids count?

Total Star Trek Death Toll: 58, or 63, I haven't decided yet.

On the Next Episode...

We find out just what the fuck Infra-sensory drugs do.

Episode 06: Mudd's Women

2008-05-21T03:54:00.000-07:00

When the crew of the Enterprise discovers an unidentified space craft about to be destroyed in an asteroid field, the crew pursues the vessel to the point that engines of both ships overheat and shut down. As they protect the ship from destruction, Kirk and crew manage to beam aboard the ships captain who reluctantly allows the remainder of his crew to beam aboard as well:

Fucking score.

I don’t know if it was Mötley Crüe, Jay Z, or British power group Sailor who said it best, but this episode is all about Girls, Girls, Girls and just how horny a crew (a co-ed one at that) can get when exploring the deepest reaches of space. Judging by the male crew’s reaction to the girls, tacky glittered evening wear and a high hem line may be a more magnificent sight than anything that exploring the cosmos has to offer. After all, when you’re in Starfleet you can see nebulas form like clouds in the night, or can witness a bright yellow star engulf an entire solar system every day. None of that stirring, awe-inspiring cosmic bullshit measures up to anything when compared to a set of legs from here to Little Rock. This is doubly so when the popular trend in hairstyles for girls on your crew involves basket weaving, and the closest thing to an attractive female you’ve seen in weeks was three feet tall and had hooves.

Needless to say, the male population of the Enterprise becomes hopelessly and eerily entranced by their new passengers. By far the best reaction of the crew comes from Dr. McCoy, who slaps on such a creepy face of wanton desire each time he’s around any of the women it’s pathetic. The man goes right past simple romantic infatuation or even pathetic lustful longing and goes straight into leering, hair smelling territory.

A face like that doesn't even convey lust so much as a desire to rape, eat, and make a lampshade out of someone. If I looked at anyone the way McCoy fawns for those girls I would have a restraining order slapped on me within seconds. A passing policeman would arrest me on the street and be given a medal of valor for it. The images running behind that man’s eyes are nothing short of vomit inducing. I don’t see how he managed to get a medical license with a response like that.

Of course McCoy's perverse reaction isn't all his fault since the ship's captain, Harcourt Fenton Mudd, has been drugging the girls with beauty pills with the intent of selling them off to rich wifeless space barons. It seems that the blackmarket trade of human trafficking and forcing women into loveless marriages still hasn't been resolved in the next two hundred years, which I suppose is good news for the GNP of Slovenia. The sad part here isn't that Kirk has a problem with selling off wives so much as how shocked everyone is at just how goddamn ugly they are without their beauty pills.

Blegh!

It all works out for everyone in the end though. Mudd goes to prison, the Enterprise fixes their ship, and the girls live a life without beauty married into a lonely life of servitude on a desolate mining planet. But at least they find out that the beauty is within!

This is Star Trek.

Harcourt Fenton Mudd, Austrailian Irish Leprechaun Hunter Gypsy... in space.

In the future, playing cards are round.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

He's Dead Jim:

Death Toll: 0

Total Star Trek Death Toll: 56

On the next episode...

Old people kiss. EWWWW

Episode 05: The Enemy Within

2008-04-30T07:24:00.000-07:00

I'd like to present a case of animal cruelty against the crew of the USS Enterprise for their treatment of this unfortunate looking creature:

The subject is a space dog, a creature that is apparently a cross between a border terrier and every member of Ratt. After discovering the creature, who from now on we will call Rikki Rockett, the crew takes him into captivity and beams him aboard for no apparent reason. Seems likely that Kirk just wants to put its pink horned head on his wall.

As soon as they bring Rikki onto the ship the abuse of the animal begins as a fault in the transporter rips the poor creature's psyche asunder and its body manifests into both good and evil halves. Slow to catch on as usual, the crew puts the creatures in Scotty's care only to have the callous Scotsman lock the delirious puppy in a box causing it to go wild from fear. He didn't even supply the dog with its requisite daily dose of "Sister Christian." Unbelievable.

The only time the animal receives any attention from the crew is when they need a clue regarding their own seemingly more important dilemma. The fact that the Captain split into good and evil versions of himself, with the evil version walking about the ship, drinking brandy, and attempting to rape Yeoman Rand, while the good version cowers on the bridge and whines, apparently is more important than the well being of their pet.

In order to solve their own predicament, Spock, Kirk, and McCoy begin experimenting on Rikki which culminates when they place both halves of the creature on the same transporter pad, send their scrambled atoms into space, and then re-assemble them. The experiement does manage to realign the dog, however it also succeeds in killing it. Smooth.

RIP Rikki Rockett--Hair Metal Space Dog, Episode 05-Episode 05.

Seriously though, besides putting this poor terrier in a ridiculous costume, this episode is full of amazing Shatner camp as the man freaks out and throws a tantrum at least every other scene. It's truly remarkable.

One scene in particular stands out as the best Shatner moment well, ever. I can't even think of a way to properly convey the magic that takes place in the scene, and I feel that I can only do it justice by just showing you.

I'm Kirk. I'M KIRK. I'MMMMMM KIIIIRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

It is so. So incredibly awesome.

This is Star Trek

CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG

The plot of at least 60% of Star Trek fan fiction, the remaining 40% is McCoy/Spock based... ewww.
What the fuck, really?

He's Dead Jim:

Death Toll: 1

1 Dead Pink Space Dog.

Total Star Trek Death Toll: 56

On the next episode...

Bananas... in... spaaaaccceeeee

Episode 04: The Naked Time

2008-04-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

Let's just clear something up right now: The title of this episode doesn't mean what you hope it means. Well...

Okay, it kind of means what you think it means, but this episode definitely does not detail the crew's exploration of the pleasure planet Fellatiopo VI. However, it *does* detail something, as Spock rather dramatically puts it, that the crew has "never dealt with before." Pretty much meansing that this episode could be about anything except telepathy.

Unsurprisingly this episode goes for the obvious next topic: space virus; and once the crew picks up the virus from a disintegrating planet, things start to get pretty wacky on the old Starship.

Now bear with me here; what this virus does is jump from crewman to crewman through physical contact (Okay, makes sense so far), and then causes crewmen to sweat and stare at their hands as if they were new (getting weirder). Next thing you know they are running around the ship laughing hysterically, taking off their clothes and pretending to be musketeers, and scribbling messages about free love on the walls.

My God.

The Enterprise has been infected by the hippie drug virus.

Okay, let's try to put things into perspective. This episode first aired in September 1966; the same year as the release of Blonde on Blonde and of Revolver, and it was a few months before the Summer of Love. Hippies were in, and so was that wacky, terrifying drug stuff all the damn kids are using. And now we find ourselves in the year 2266, an era where substance abuse doesn't seem to exist, only to discover a once straight laced crew losing their inhibitions and pow-wowing around like a bunch of Goddamn useless homosexual slackers.

Based on the rather square attitude that permeates throughout the episode, it's unsurprising that upon examining the credits for this episode closely you would find that the writing credit for this episode belongs to a Radar Bowlegtry, a rather poorly constructed anagram for 1964 Republican presidential candidate Barry Goldwater*.

An obvious paranoia of drug use and culture shock runs through this entire episode. The affects of the virus seem to be designed just to show just what would happen to society if we all shed our inhibitions and acted out all of our hearts' deepest desires. And according to the episode society as a whole would crash right the Hell into a disintegrating ice planet. Of course, this also means something special for the viewer: over-the-top performances and flamboyant showboatsmanship on the part of every cast member!

Each crewman has different reactions to the virus, and most of them feel eerily similar to people that you might meet at your local frat party. Let's take this at a case by case basis.

Victim 1: Crewman Joe Tormolen

Crewman Tormolen is the first person infected by the mysterious hippie drug virus. As the virus takes hold of him, Tormolen draws into himself , and tries to punch anyone that tries to talk to him. He then stumbles around and tries to kill himself with a butterknife. Seriously.

Victim 2: Lieutenant Kevin Reilly

Begins loudly bragging about his Irish heritiage seemingly just because he has an Irish last name. Also probably a Boston Red Sox fan since the team broke the legendary Curse of Covelli "Coco" Crisp and won the franchise's first World Series in 259 years.

Victim 3: Lieutenant Sulu

Takes off his shirt and shows off how in shape he is, and also becomes uncomfortably touchy.

Victim 4: Nurse Chapel

Starts trying to make out with anyone that moves, even the weird looking one.

Victim 5: Mr. Spock

Cries in a room by himself. Begins babbling about his mother.

Victim 6: Captain Kirk

Starts hitting his friends and then talks about how lonely he feels while professessing his love for an inanimate object.

Yep, sounds like 4 am at the Sig Ep house. Hm, maybe this episode isn't as square and off base as I initially thought...

Just to end on a nerdy note, I feel that I should mention one really cool aspect of this episode. In order to break free of their freefall towards the planet's surface, Kirk and Scotty attempt a theorettical restart of the Enterprises engines. Once it works and the ship gets flung out their fall, the ship is hurled back 72 hours in time; so this episode features the first instance of time travel in the Star Trek universe. The sad part is that this happens at the very end of the episode and is basically treated as an everyday occurance that might be useful later. Then the episode ends.

Great.

This is Star Trek

SPACE CHECKERS

Spock discovers hippie evidence.

WHhHHooAAAaeeee

He's Dead Jim:
Death Toll: 7
6 researchers on the planet
Crewman Joe Tormolen stabs himself (with butter knife)

Total Star Trek death toll: 55

On the next episode...

Sulu gets a pet!

*Barry Goldwater didn't really write this episode.

Episode 02: Charlie X

2008-04-16T02:36:00.000-07:00

Meet Charlie:

Charlie may seem familiar to you. Charlie has trouble dealing with other people, and he has awkward exchanges with the female population; he also tends to shadow the cool kids in a sad, desperate bid for acceptance.

Charlie is that kid from high school.

You know the one. His mother probably still dresses him, bad hair cut, big head, plays Magic The Gathering on weekends. The only difference between Charlie here and Daniel Cochran, captain of the chess team, is that Charlie can melt your head with his mind.

Yee.

We first encounter Charlie in the transporter room as two grinny crewmen of the research ship Antares drop him off as quickly as possible, and right away the "inspiration" for this episode becomes fairly clear. Also, on top of the plot being lifted from "The Twilight Zone" (again), it stands as the fourth episode in a row about telepathy. Come on guys, shake it up! Give me some time traveling alien death lords, or a rapidly exanding sun that's threatening a near by planet populated by eager, green skinned sex wenches. Just chill with the ugly people with telepathy and a God complex.

Charlie becomes particularly smitten with Yeoman Rand's basket hair, begins standardly following her around, coming into her bedroom, giving her things, and--best part--showing off his card tricks.

Jesus Christ, Charlie....

Kirk avoids mentoring on things like how to treat women, social niceties, and physical exercise; understandably as well, because every time Kirk tries to give even the slightest advice to Charlie he just proves that he would be the worst father in the history of history. In fact, every time that Kirk interacts with Charlie he seems seconds away from hitting the boy and calling him a weenie.

As Charlie starts to become more frantic in making friends, the strange incidents occuring throughout the ship begin to increase. But even as the Antares tries to warn the Enterprise about Charlie, only to explode mid-message, Kirk just now begins that something may *may* be up with young Charles. So in effort to give the boy a bit of character, what does Captain James Tiberius Kirk do?

He takes the geeky, short tempered, dangerous, psychic kid to the gym. I'm sure that will work out well, Jim; well played.

Kirk's exploits in the gym send Charlie over the edge, and he goes through the ship making various crew members blink out of existance, while also doing various mean things to random crewmen, like turning a girl into a lizard, transforming one foxy crewwoman into an old hag, and wiping off a girl's face for laughing:

Basically we witness an intergalactic school shooting. The nerdy kid gets bullied about, snaps, and then reigns terror on his oppressors. In a way, I guess it could be called the predicessor to Carrie. I just kept expecting Kirk and Spock giggling to eachother as they dump a bucket of Landarian Swamp-Goat Blood on the kid.

But perhaps the worst part (or best part, depending on your perspective) of this episode comes in the rec room when Uhura serinades Spock as he plays his handy Vulcan Space Harp. Not only does this stir my fears that the producers plan to push a subtle Spock/Uhura fling, but the woman can't sing either. The scene seems to last forever as Uhura flings about Spock, croaking in her deep tuneless voice. Charlie obviously feels the same way because he does exactly what I wanted to do for the entire scene and mentally chokes her just to get her to stop fucking croning.

After taking back control of his ship from Charlie, Kirk shows that little brat who's boss before sending him off to the lonely planet from whence he came:

GIVE ME YOUR LUNCH MONEY YOU FUCKING NERD.

This is Star Trek

Spock and Uhura's sing along:

Charlie catching on to how to exploit Yeoman Rand:

Is... is that a girdle?:

He's Dead Jim:
Production Episode #8
Death Count: 20
Entire crew (20) of the Antares, destroyed by Charlie.

Total Star Trek death toll: 48.

On the next episode...

Spock wraps himself in bubble wrap and giggles for hours.

Episode 01: The Man Trap

2008-04-10T03:54:00.000-07:00

Now that the pilots have gotten out of the way, the series seems to have taken a much more recognizable form. McCoy plays a big role in this episode which characterizes him as a bit of a sucker for the ladies, Sulu has a big room of flowers shaped like hands, Spock's eyebrows have been tamed, and... wait, is Uhura hitting on Spock?

You know, I don't think a starship is quite the atmosphere for a Jim and Pam relationship, and I don't think emotionally dead alien and foxy black chick dynamic works quite as well as charming sales guy and cute receptionist. This comparison is a bit of a stretch considering Urhura and Spock's flirtatious interchange lasts for 30 seconds in the first episode, isn't it?

The episode begins with McCoy, Kirk, and Crewman Soon to be Dead venture down to the planet that is apparently barren save for some toppled over columns and a shrub or two. The Enterprise's mission is to check up on the pair of scientists researching the planet (one of which being McCoy's old flame), and re-supply them before setting off and leaving the pair to study, well, toppled over columns and a shrub or two I guess.

When we meet the pair, Dr. Crater goes into standard "Um, hi, nothing's wrong here. Just. Uh. GIVE US SALT. I mean, but we're fine. Completely. As long as you give us salt." I would imagine that Kirk and co. have been doing this whole space travel thing for a while now, and I hope that they would recognize a sweaty, terrified man begging for salt as, I don't know, a red flag? At the very least they may notice the girl they are talking to changes shape three goddamn times within the same conversation. The episode never really makes it clear whether the creature taking the shape of Dr. Crater's wife/McCoy's girl is a telepath or a shapeshifter--the episode implies that it's both, but that just seems fairly redundant. So I'm going to go for another telepath, making this the third episode featuring telepathy in a row. This is getting silly.

At first I thought this episode was going to go for the whole Succubus/Siren route with a shape shifting temptress drawing in men only to suck out their salt (hot), but it turns out to be just a shapeshifter who will shape into anyone and try to suck out everyone's salt (less hot). I calling the episode "The Person Trap" doesn't have much of a ring to it.

Shortly after the opening the inevitable happens:

Crewman Whoever winds up dead in record time, and Kirk and McCoy are just downright clueless about what could have killed him (Hint: It's the space monster, guys. It's never the innocuous thing you think could have done it). In the process the creature, of course, manages to find its way on board of the Enterprise and takes on several forms while killing three more nameless crewmen. At one point it even comes close to sucking the foxy life out of Uhura (it's back to being hot again).

Throughout its various transformations, the creature keeps biting its finger as if the audience needed a sign to know that it wasn't actually McCoy who grabbed that crewman's face and killed him. But just in case you guys needed help getting through this episode, I'll clarify:

McCoy

Not McCoy

Between the monster changing from one dead crewman to another the episode drags a bit. It lacks the action of the second pilot, and the brains of the first. And as Kirk and Spock scramble to figure out what keeps sucking the salt out of their crew members, I found myself dozing..........

Finally, an explosion! Turns out that Dr. Crater has a soft spot for murderous endangered species and tries to keep it from being discovered by the Enterprise's crew. Of course, the monster in the form of McCoy repays him by sucking out all of the salt from his face (and back around to being not hot).

The episode ends with a stand off between the real McCoy (*sigh*) and the creature (as Nancy). After some delay, and getting over the idea of his ex-girlfriend gripping the captain's face in a death lock, McCoy only kills it when it becomes a horrible, green death hag with sucker tentacle-covered kill fingers.

Fucking thing looks like a lamprey crossed with a dead Tina Turner.

This is Star Trek

Sulu begins setting everyone's doubts regarding his sexuality into motion:

Yeoman Rand gets checked out:

Kirk yells... again:

He's Dead Jim:
Production Episode #6
Death Count: 6
4 Enterprise Crewmen Sucked Dry.
Dr. Crater sucked dry off screen.
The creature blasted by McCoy.

Total Star Trek death toll: 18.

On the next episode...

Gerdurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Pilot 02/Episode 03: Where No Man Has Gone Before.

2008-03-31T03:07:00.000-07:00

Alright, so despite this airing as episode 3, "Where No Man Has Gone Before" served as the second pilot for NBC, and according to the internet, canonically comes before the rest of the series. So in essence, this episode shows Shatner's first crack at being Captain Kirk which is why I've decided to watch this episode before the rest of the series.

So let’s try this again, pilot #2 is go and right from the bat I feel like I’m watching Star Trek when I’m met with “Captain’s Log, Stardate 1312.4” in an all too familiar voice.

Nice.

It’s amazing how much Shatner brings to this show—and unlike seemingly everything else about the show he comes in swinging as all out Kirk. He doesn’t stumble over the awkward dialogue, his overtly dramatic pauses make an appearance, and the dude hams it up like a mother fucker. That and he can charm the pants off of you.

However, the rest of the cast still isn’t quite up to standard at this point in the show's production. While Scotty and Sulu make their first appearances, the doctor in this episode manages to be even less interesting than the drunken one from the first pilot. Spock’s character remains essentially the same as before except they play up the fact that he’s an alien by giving him hammy lines like “your Earth emotion.” The conversations he has with Kirk feel very much like EXPOSTION CONVERSATION with several awkward lines involving Spock’s half-Vulcan heritage thrown in for good measure. It certainly doesn't come off as natural, as it would be akin to having an Asian friend point out that he’s Asian in the middle of a conversation about the weather or gas prices. To top it off he seems to have a tendency to flatly shout when on the bridge, and even though he's an alien, and aliens tend to look weird, his eyebrows are dumb looking.

The episode begins with Kirk and crew discovering the logs of a destroyed ship (think little black box, except huge and in space. Also, it lights up). After examining the damaged tapes (ha!), they discover that the former captain frantically began to search the ship’s logs on ESP and then orders the ship to self-destruct. Dramatic shit. Then to get things going the ship flies through an energy field that causes the first instance of instrument panels exploding and throwing stunt men around. The instrument panels exploding is something I’ve never been able to understand about Star Trek. You’d think they would put surge protectors on those things or something.

As they fly through the field two crew members, helmsman Lieutenant Gary Mitchell and Dr. Dana, light up quite literally like a fourth of July sparkler before passing out. Lucky for them they survive unharmed—except Mitchell whose eyes begin to glow and becomes an insane telepath with a chronic god complex. He also has this big booming voice that kind of makes him sound like Moses. However, saying that his eyes glow feels like a bit of a stretch, considering that pretty much look like they were turned into balls of aluminum foil. But I guess you do what you can when it's 1965 and you're working on a TV budget.

In any case, after Mitchell starts making cups fly around and shoots Kirk and Spock full of electricity, Kirk (Note: When writing this I unwittingly wrote my own name instead of Kirk’s here. I am deeply bothered.) decides that it might be a good idea to maroon him in a matte painting, where Mitchell and Kirk’s stunt people have their final battle from far away. They flip around a lot though, so it's still pretty rad.

Now from what I understand, NBC turned down the original pilot because it was slow, cerebral, and boring—Roddenbury apparently decided to counter this by making the next pilot involve explosions, telekinesis, and a Captain who isn’t afraid to punch someone in the face. Kirk even carries a huge phaser rifle for no other reason than it being awesome. It should also be said that Kirk has a tendency to be a bit rash with his strategy, considering his secondary solution to killing Mitchell was bombarding the surface of the entire planet.

I agree with NBC. I don’t want to see any more of Captain Pike, I want more of this:

YES!

This is Star Trek:

Kirk and Spock play Space Chess:

BRZZACK:

Behold, ACTING:

He's Dead Jim:
Production Episode #1

Death Count: 12.
9 dead flying through the force field.
Lieutenant Kelso, Telepathically strangled.
Lieutenant Mitchell, Crushed by a huge rock.
Doctor Dana, Killed by Mitchell in telepath duel.

Total Star Trek death toll: 12.

On the next episode...

Something bad probably happens to this guy.

Pilot 01: The Cage.

2008-03-27T06:15:00.000-07:00

Alright, time for the pilot and seeing the first adventure of Captain James T. Ki--Wait a second, who the fuck is this guy?

That is not the brave Captain of the starship Enterprise, that is... Who is that? The actor playing the very not Captain Kirk is Jeffrey Hunter. Hunter played several secondary roles throughout the 50s and 60s, appearing in films like The Longest Day with every other actor at the time, and most notably John Ford's The Searchers. If you don't recognize Hunter from The Searchers that's okay, because in the above picture he hasn't been painted a slight shade of brown to make him look half Indian.

In the pilot Hunter plays Captain Christopher Pike, the unremarkable captain of the USS Enterprise whose clean chin and chisled hair leads a team of adventurers you don't recognize to the far end of the Galaxy. Basically the pilot episode feels the same as every other episode of TOS; it has the bad costumes, the poorly constructed sets, the broad technological terms , and most importantly, women painted green. The main difference between the pilot and the rest of the series falls solely on the crew and their lame ability to lull the viewer to sleep. There's the frigid female first officer, the ship's doctor whose only perscription is alcohol, and several young nameless actors who stumble around the set and stiffly say things about technology that they don't seem to understand. It really felt as if most of the cast read their lines phonetically. "Sen-sores read a dis-tress sig-nal from the Tal-oas sys-tem, Cap-tan." At least Spock is there.

In the episode, Pike goes on a reluctant rescue mission for a crashed spacecraft on an unexplored planet where he gets captured and put into a zoo by a race of telepaths with pulsating heads the size of basketballs. What is it with telepaths and pulsating super brains? Last time I checked brains don't pulsate. Look it up for yourself, nothing on that page mentions anything about pulsating.

The episode trudges along with various escape attempts with a couple of crappy looking monsters thrown in to make things interesting. Pike's cell also makes a delightful *boing* whenever he crashes against the space glass. The telepaths torture Pike throughout the episode by surrounding him by beautiful women, sending him to a pleasure world, treating him to a picnic, and having him fight a 7 foot Viking wearing a silly hat and one furry shoe that sounds like a drowning dinosaur. Cruel. Oh, they also send him to a smoldering lava/acid world for a few seconds, but being held prisoner can't always be picnics and sex slaves.

By the end of the episode you find out that the girl prancing around Pike for the entire episode actually is a survivor of the crash, but is actually just extremely busted looking. Which is perhaps the cruelest joke played on Pike by the telepaths--They try to hook him up with an ugly chick. At least they seem to understand how superficial humans can be--but it still basically makes the entire plot of the movie like the 1999 gem She's All That. Save for the fact that there's no prom, it takes place in space, and it doesn't involve Freddy Prinze Jr. Although it might as well with Jeffrey Hunter running around.

I can see why NBC scrapped the pilot based solely on the characters. Captain Pike isn’t so much a character as he is a pretty face. Every so often when a scene changes I think that Pike might actually be Kirk, but then my hopes quickly melted when I saw Pike’s empty stare yet piercingly… hypnotic blue eyes. The entire cast seems hopelessly stiff and they have a complete lack of cheek that the later episodes has in droves. Even Nimoy doesn't seem comfortable in his pointy ears. Pike comes across even worse, and he feels like the antithesis of charisma. He almost seems angry to be in the show--funny considering that his pent up rage ends up saving him from inprisonment. He's reluctant to go on a rescue mission, he isn't interested in the green chick, and he's pretty much just kind of a dick. Captain Pike sucks and I hope something bad happens to him.

.... ooooh.

This is Star Trek:

Lots of dumb things happen in Star Trek, here's a small collection of dumb things that happen in this episode:

When two twentieth century tennis players walk down the coridor of the Enterprise:

When Spock and Pike pick space flowers together:

The back of the telepaths' heads look like butts:

Where Many Nerds Have Gone Many Times Before.

2008-03-27T04:20:00.000-07:00

I am not a nerd.

Well. Okay, I am--but I am not this dude. I have seen my fair share of science fiction and anime, played my share of World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy, and I even read half of a Star Wars novel once. But I have never been down on discussing warp core coolants or how LaForge's visor thing works--I'm still not. I don't care.

That being said, I still know enough about Star Trek to get by with the lower level nerds. When I was growing up I would watch Next Generation episodes with my grandfather after school, so I became familiar with Jean-Luc Picard, Lieutenant-Commander Data, transporters, phasers on stun, and that lanky nerd kid that I never liked. I knew that the series started in the 60s and that my father would watch it in college, I knew that Deep Space Nine was boring, and I knew that Wrath of Khan was better than that one with Spock's brother and that God alien at the center of whatever. Really, the only thing I couldn't figure out was why two generations of hardened construction workers like my grandfather and father enjoyed something as relentlessly nerdy as Star Trek.

Still, despite my familiarity, I've never been able to fully immerse myself into the Star Trek universe. That's where this blog comes in. Starting from now, I will be watching every episode of every Star Trek series in order and writing about every episode here. It's going to be long, it's going to be hard, and, most of all, it's going to be pointless. I'll try the best as I can to give an outsider's opinion on each episode, and point out some of the weirder things that have come out of Star Trek. Like this:

or this:
What the hell are these things? What purpose could that goddamn horn possibly serve? In any case, after 347 episodes when I'm halfway through Season 4 of Deep Space Nine, this shit will probably seem normal. Also, I can't promise that I won't be able to tell you how fast a proton torpedo can go through a worm hole at that point; by then I very well may be in line to get René Auberjonois's autograph for the third time.

So hopefully after roughly 528 hours of TV show, eleven feature length films, and twenty-two animated episodes I will be able to look myself in the mirror. Jesus Christ, how do you nerds to this?