Episode 05: The Enemy Within

I'd like to present a case of animal cruelty against the crew of the USS Enterprise for their treatment of this unfortunate looking creature:

The subject is a space dog, a creature that is apparently a cross between a border terrier and every member of Ratt. After discovering the creature, who from now on we will call Rikki Rockett, the crew takes him into captivity and beams him aboard for no apparent reason. Seems likely that Kirk just wants to put its pink horned head on his wall.

As soon as they bring Rikki onto the ship the abuse of the animal begins as a fault in the transporter rips the poor creature's psyche asunder and its body manifests into both good and evil halves. Slow to catch on as usual, the crew puts the creatures in Scotty's care only to have the callous Scotsman lock the delirious puppy in a box causing it to go wild from fear. He didn't even supply the dog with its requisite daily dose of "Sister Christian." Unbelievable.

The only time the animal receives any attention from the crew is when they need a clue regarding their own seemingly more important dilemma. The fact that the Captain split into good and evil versions of himself, with the evil version walking about the ship, drinking brandy, and attempting to rape Yeoman Rand, while the good version cowers on the bridge and whines, apparently is more important than the well being of their pet.

In order to solve their own predicament, Spock, Kirk, and McCoy begin experimenting on Rikki which culminates when they place both halves of the creature on the same transporter pad, send their scrambled atoms into space, and then re-assemble them. The experiement does manage to realign the dog, however it also succeeds in killing it. Smooth.

RIP Rikki Rockett--Hair Metal Space Dog, Episode 05-Episode 05.

Seriously though, besides putting this poor terrier in a ridiculous costume, this episode is full of amazing Shatner camp as the man freaks out and throws a tantrum at least every other scene. It's truly remarkable.

One scene in particular stands out as the best Shatner moment well, ever. I can't even think of a way to properly convey the magic that takes place in the scene, and I feel that I can only do it justice by just showing you.

I'm Kirk. I'M KIRK. I'MMMMMM KIIIIRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

It is so. So incredibly awesome.

This is Star Trek

CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG

The plot of at least 60% of Star Trek fan fiction, the remaining 40% is McCoy/Spock based... ewww.
What the fuck, really?

He's Dead Jim:

Death Toll: 1

1 Dead Pink Space Dog.

Total Star Trek Death Toll: 56

On the next episode...

Bananas... in... spaaaaccceeeee

Episode 04: The Naked Time

Let's just clear something up right now: The title of this episode doesn't mean what you hope it means. Well...

Okay, it kind of means what you think it means, but this episode definitely does not detail the crew's exploration of the pleasure planet Fellatiopo VI. However, it *does* detail something, as Spock rather dramatically puts it, that the crew has "never dealt with before." Pretty much meansing that this episode could be about anything except telepathy.

Unsurprisingly this episode goes for the obvious next topic: space virus; and once the crew picks up the virus from a disintegrating planet, things start to get pretty wacky on the old Starship.

Now bear with me here; what this virus does is jump from crewman to crewman through physical contact (Okay, makes sense so far), and then causes crewmen to sweat and stare at their hands as if they were new (getting weirder). Next thing you know they are running around the ship laughing hysterically, taking off their clothes and pretending to be musketeers, and scribbling messages about free love on the walls.

My God.

The Enterprise has been infected by the hippie drug virus.

Okay, let's try to put things into perspective. This episode first aired in September 1966; the same year as the release of Blonde on Blonde and of Revolver, and it was a few months before the Summer of Love. Hippies were in, and so was that wacky, terrifying drug stuff all the damn kids are using. And now we find ourselves in the year 2266, an era where substance abuse doesn't seem to exist, only to discover a once straight laced crew losing their inhibitions and pow-wowing around like a bunch of Goddamn useless homosexual slackers.

Based on the rather square attitude that permeates throughout the episode, it's unsurprising that upon examining the credits for this episode closely you would find that the writing credit for this episode belongs to a Radar Bowlegtry, a rather poorly constructed anagram for 1964 Republican presidential candidate Barry Goldwater*.

An obvious paranoia of drug use and culture shock runs through this entire episode. The affects of the virus seem to be designed just to show just what would happen to society if we all shed our inhibitions and acted out all of our hearts' deepest desires. And according to the episode society as a whole would crash right the Hell into a disintegrating ice planet. Of course, this also means something special for the viewer: over-the-top performances and flamboyant showboatsmanship on the part of every cast member!

Each crewman has different reactions to the virus, and most of them feel eerily similar to people that you might meet at your local frat party. Let's take this at a case by case basis.

Victim 1: Crewman Joe Tormolen

Crewman Tormolen is the first person infected by the mysterious hippie drug virus. As the virus takes hold of him, Tormolen draws into himself , and tries to punch anyone that tries to talk to him. He then stumbles around and tries to kill himself with a butterknife. Seriously.

Victim 2: Lieutenant Kevin Reilly

Begins loudly bragging about his Irish heritiage seemingly just because he has an Irish last name. Also probably a Boston Red Sox fan since the team broke the legendary Curse of Covelli "Coco" Crisp and won the franchise's first World Series in 259 years.

Victim 3: Lieutenant Sulu

Takes off his shirt and shows off how in shape he is, and also becomes uncomfortably touchy.

Victim 4: Nurse Chapel

Starts trying to make out with anyone that moves, even the weird looking one.

Victim 5: Mr. Spock

Cries in a room by himself. Begins babbling about his mother.

Victim 6: Captain Kirk

Starts hitting his friends and then talks about how lonely he feels while professessing his love for an inanimate object.

Yep, sounds like 4 am at the Sig Ep house. Hm, maybe this episode isn't as square and off base as I initially thought...

Just to end on a nerdy note, I feel that I should mention one really cool aspect of this episode. In order to break free of their freefall towards the planet's surface, Kirk and Scotty attempt a theorettical restart of the Enterprises engines. Once it works and the ship gets flung out their fall, the ship is hurled back 72 hours in time; so this episode features the first instance of time travel in the Star Trek universe. The sad part is that this happens at the very end of the episode and is basically treated as an everyday occurance that might be useful later. Then the episode ends.

Great.

This is Star Trek

SPACE CHECKERS

Spock discovers hippie evidence.

WHhHHooAAAaeeee

He's Dead Jim:
Death Toll: 7
6 researchers on the planet
Crewman Joe Tormolen stabs himself (with butter knife)


Total Star Trek death toll: 55


On the next episode...

Sulu gets a pet!

*Barry Goldwater didn't really write this episode.

Episode 02: Charlie X

Meet Charlie:

Charlie may seem familiar to you. Charlie has trouble dealing with other people, and he has awkward exchanges with the female population; he also tends to shadow the cool kids in a sad, desperate bid for acceptance.

Charlie is that kid from high school.

You know the one. His mother probably still dresses him, bad hair cut, big head, plays Magic The Gathering on weekends. The only difference between Charlie here and Daniel Cochran, captain of the chess team, is that Charlie can melt your head with his mind.

Yee.

We first encounter Charlie in the transporter room as two grinny crewmen of the research ship Antares drop him off as quickly as possible, and right away the "inspiration" for this episode becomes fairly clear. Also, on top of the plot being lifted from "The Twilight Zone" (again), it stands as the fourth episode in a row about telepathy. Come on guys, shake it up! Give me some time traveling alien death lords, or a rapidly exanding sun that's threatening a near by planet populated by eager, green skinned sex wenches. Just chill with the ugly people with telepathy and a God complex.

Charlie becomes particularly smitten with Yeoman Rand's basket hair, begins standardly following her around, coming into her bedroom, giving her things, and--best part--showing off his card tricks.

Jesus Christ, Charlie....

Kirk avoids mentoring on things like how to treat women, social niceties, and physical exercise; understandably as well, because every time Kirk tries to give even the slightest advice to Charlie he just proves that he would be the worst father in the history of history. In fact, every time that Kirk interacts with Charlie he seems seconds away from hitting the boy and calling him a weenie.

As Charlie starts to become more frantic in making friends, the strange incidents occuring throughout the ship begin to increase. But even as the Antares tries to warn the Enterprise about Charlie, only to explode mid-message, Kirk just now begins that something may *may* be up with young Charles. So in effort to give the boy a bit of character, what does Captain James Tiberius Kirk do?

He takes the geeky, short tempered, dangerous, psychic kid to the gym. I'm sure that will work out well, Jim; well played.

Kirk's exploits in the gym send Charlie over the edge, and he goes through the ship making various crew members blink out of existance, while also doing various mean things to random crewmen, like turning a girl into a lizard, transforming one foxy crewwoman into an old hag, and wiping off a girl's face for laughing:

Basically we witness an intergalactic school shooting. The nerdy kid gets bullied about, snaps, and then reigns terror on his oppressors. In a way, I guess it could be called the predicessor to Carrie. I just kept expecting Kirk and Spock giggling to eachother as they dump a bucket of Landarian Swamp-Goat Blood on the kid.

But perhaps the worst part (or best part, depending on your perspective) of this episode comes in the rec room when Uhura serinades Spock as he plays his handy Vulcan Space Harp. Not only does this stir my fears that the producers plan to push a subtle Spock/Uhura fling, but the woman can't sing either. The scene seems to last forever as Uhura flings about Spock, croaking in her deep tuneless voice. Charlie obviously feels the same way because he does exactly what I wanted to do for the entire scene and mentally chokes her just to get her to stop fucking croning.

After taking back control of his ship from Charlie, Kirk shows that little brat who's boss before sending him off to the lonely planet from whence he came:

GIVE ME YOUR LUNCH MONEY YOU FUCKING NERD.

This is Star Trek

Spock and Uhura's sing along:

Charlie catching on to how to exploit Yeoman Rand:

Is... is that a girdle?:

He's Dead Jim:
Production Episode #8
Death Count: 20
Entire crew (20) of the Antares, destroyed by Charlie.


Total Star Trek death toll: 48.

On the next episode...

Spock wraps himself in bubble wrap and giggles for hours.

Episode 01: The Man Trap

Now that the pilots have gotten out of the way, the series seems to have taken a much more recognizable form. McCoy plays a big role in this episode which characterizes him as a bit of a sucker for the ladies, Sulu has a big room of flowers shaped like hands, Spock's eyebrows have been tamed, and... wait, is Uhura hitting on Spock?

You know, I don't think a starship is quite the atmosphere for a Jim and Pam relationship, and I don't think emotionally dead alien and foxy black chick dynamic works quite as well as charming sales guy and cute receptionist. This comparison is a bit of a stretch considering Urhura and Spock's flirtatious interchange lasts for 30 seconds in the first episode, isn't it?

The episode begins with McCoy, Kirk, and Crewman Soon to be Dead venture down to the planet that is apparently barren save for some toppled over columns and a shrub or two. The Enterprise's mission is to check up on the pair of scientists researching the planet (one of which being McCoy's old flame), and re-supply them before setting off and leaving the pair to study, well, toppled over columns and a shrub or two I guess.

When we meet the pair, Dr. Crater goes into standard "Um, hi, nothing's wrong here. Just. Uh. GIVE US SALT. I mean, but we're fine. Completely. As long as you give us salt." I would imagine that Kirk and co. have been doing this whole space travel thing for a while now, and I hope that they would recognize a sweaty, terrified man begging for salt as, I don't know, a red flag? At the very least they may notice the girl they are talking to changes shape three goddamn times within the same conversation. The episode never really makes it clear whether the creature taking the shape of Dr. Crater's wife/McCoy's girl is a telepath or a shapeshifter--the episode implies that it's both, but that just seems fairly redundant. So I'm going to go for another telepath, making this the third episode featuring telepathy in a row. This is getting silly.

At first I thought this episode was going to go for the whole Succubus/Siren route with a shape shifting temptress drawing in men only to suck out their salt (hot), but it turns out to be just a shapeshifter who will shape into anyone and try to suck out everyone's salt (less hot). I calling the episode "The Person Trap" doesn't have much of a ring to it.

Shortly after the opening the inevitable happens:

Crewman Whoever winds up dead in record time, and Kirk and McCoy are just downright clueless about what could have killed him (Hint: It's the space monster, guys. It's never the innocuous thing you think could have done it). In the process the creature, of course, manages to find its way on board of the Enterprise and takes on several forms while killing three more nameless crewmen. At one point it even comes close to sucking the foxy life out of Uhura (it's back to being hot again).

Throughout its various transformations, the creature keeps biting its finger as if the audience needed a sign to know that it wasn't actually McCoy who grabbed that crewman's face and killed him. But just in case you guys needed help getting through this episode, I'll clarify:

McCoy

Not McCoy

Between the monster changing from one dead crewman to another the episode drags a bit. It lacks the action of the second pilot, and the brains of the first. And as Kirk and Spock scramble to figure out what keeps sucking the salt out of their crew members, I found myself dozing..........

Finally, an explosion! Turns out that Dr. Crater has a soft spot for murderous endangered species and tries to keep it from being discovered by the Enterprise's crew. Of course, the monster in the form of McCoy repays him by sucking out all of the salt from his face (and back around to being not hot).

The episode ends with a stand off between the real McCoy (*sigh*) and the creature (as Nancy). After some delay, and getting over the idea of his ex-girlfriend gripping the captain's face in a death lock, McCoy only kills it when it becomes a horrible, green death hag with sucker tentacle-covered kill fingers.

Fucking thing looks like a lamprey crossed with a dead Tina Turner.

This is Star Trek

Sulu begins setting everyone's doubts regarding his sexuality into motion:

Yeoman Rand gets checked out:

Kirk yells... again:

He's Dead Jim:
Production Episode #6
Death Count: 6
4 Enterprise Crewmen Sucked Dry.
Dr. Crater sucked dry off screen.
The creature blasted by McCoy.

Total Star Trek death toll: 18.

On the next episode...

Gerdurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr